Murphy's Law
For some people the glass is half full, and for others half empty.
Since I got pregnant (and maybe even way before then) I have been doing what my boyfriend refers to as “Defaulting to negative.” It’s my version of Murphy’s Law.
Defaulting to negative has been particularly easy for me in the last ten weeks. Why I cannot trust that I will give birth to a healthy, sweet, beautiful baby on February 8th is beyond me.
- I am a VERY healthy 27 year old.
- Before I conceived, my friends had to drag me out and I never had more than a glass or two of wine.
- Everyone in my family and my boyfriend’s family is blessed with great genes.
Have I done something so terrible in this or a past life that will karmically screw up my chances?
I am ten weeks pregnant today and just took another pregnancy test. Of course the line turned bright pink immediately. My reaction was first of relief and then I ran to the computer to search for information on whether a positive pregnancy result would occur after a missed miscarriage. Of course it will, so I am stuck back on that.
I wish I could find some way to relax into this. No one has been able to comfort me.
I have:
- Heartburn
- Sooo much peeing
- A little nausea off and on
- SORE boobs
- Frequent vivid dreams
- Constipation
What else, what else? I know symptoms can continue after a miscarriage. I am unbelievably obsessed with this thought and I cannot figure out where the anxiety comes from. I think it is a burden of my generation. My parents and people of their age don’t quite understand the desire to keep this “secret” for the first 12 weeks.
Either they do not know miscarriage stats, or I have exaggerated them in my mind.
I remind myself everyday that things are going to be okay. Friends and family have been collecting stuff to give us. Soon we will prepare the nursery. Soon we will hear a heartbeat. Soon we will have company. Soon I will have many more things to worry about for the rest of my life. I know I have to get this under control or I will be a nervous wreck until the day I die.
